My Dear Sweet Jenny

This is a rant, in a pure and simple form. It actually supports my earlier blog of today.

A little background is in order before you read on. Jenny is one of my (only) sister's six children, fourth in the birth line. Which makes her approximately eight years younger than me. She was roughly nine when I left home at 17 (and rarely looked back). Her parents - my sister and her husband - were more parents to me than my own parents were, in reality. I have always considered her six children: Patrick Jr., Michael, Cindy, Jenny, Barbara and Ron as my siblings. The better part of my growing up involves my sister & her family. In my later years, I feel that I have formed close bonds with Michael, Cindy, Barbara and each of their families, as well as a close relationship with Patrick, his wife Sue and his family. Ron was a baby when I left, and although I barely know him, Ron is as much family as each of the six are to me including Jenny. However, Jenny and I are like polar opposites, I have come to realize.

The following is a response I posted to Jenny's blog post that was specifically directed at/to me - which she ultimately censored (deleted). Life isn't always the way we: 1) remember it to be and, 2) the way we want it to be. While her comments regarding me stand, I want my reponse to stand as well. What she said in her blog, completely blindsided me. After more than 40 years have passed, it came out of nowhere. We obviously both share the 'pig-headed' gene - which I believe comes from my mother's side of the family.

I believe in the freedom of speech. Regardless of its point of view, we all are entittled to our own perspective. Her blog, her thoughts, her exercise of the freedom of speech, which we hold so dear in this country, stand just as she writes and as she decides who comments. Here is my response to her blog on me. Her blog, if you would like to read the words that prompted this (censored) rant can be found at: http://sandparty.blogspot.com/ The comments directed to me are listed under "What you have taught me" posted January 31, 2009. I am #5 under the list of people.

My censored response - in its COMPLETE, UNCENSORED AND UNCHANGED form - follows:

My dear sweet Jenny:

Wow! Some 35+ years later. Sorry I didn’t make it home more often – I never had any idea that anyone noticed or even cared. You need to understand that, first of all, you grew up a generation behind me, in a strong family environment that placed value on family & children. I didn’t. I grew up in the shadow of alcoholism and mental illness, with older parents who no longer had the interest or the patience for a child; particularly one that was strong willed and independent in the tumultuous 60s.

Although, years later I came to realize that your parents were more parents to me than my own, and all six of you were the brothers & sisters I never had (like my friends did). It was different having a sister that was old enough to be your mother. The person I became then and am today was molded in the ‘60s, diversely opposite of the ‘50s; and I was strongly influenced by the civil rights movement & the Vietnam war era; peppered with the 'age of Aquarius' movement that created tye-dye, the peace sign, hippy beads & psychedelic music.

And those two things: war and civil rights strongly affected the person I am today. From my graduating class, there were 23 soldiers killed in Vietnam - most of whom I went through my entire school years with. Of those who returned – another 10 or so whom I knew well – many of them were so screwed up in the head, dying of drugs or alcohol or coming home so completely screwed up in the head that communication was impossible. Let's add to that racial prejudice that was acceptable and primarily the norm in good ole' York County. Moving to the remote corner of Michigan where I have been for most of the last 39 years of my life was my way of saying 'no mas!' (no more). Understanding the remote region that I have called home for nearly 40 years might help.

While I didn’t visit often, my parents never visited me & my only sister and her family (including you) only once that I remember in the 70s. And then once when I married Garrett, your dad & mom were here. When I graduated from NMU at the top of my class, summa cum laude, valedictorian & keynote speaker at commencement - no one seemed to notice. That was 1978: a pinnacle in my life. Few of my family even know that I also have a Masters degree (1981), also summa cum laude. So I believe I do understand your disappointment in me not coming home.

This is probably more than you wanted in reply. My only point my dear niece, is that we all have disappointments in life. And like the good things in life, they all contribute to the person we are/become. I have come to realize they – my disappointments & my triumphs – are mine (they are each of ours; our own & of our own doing, and contribute significantly to each us as individuals), and generally of no fault of the ones we quietly hold accountable. That is life. And that is what makes us who we are.

So I am sorry I didn’t/couldn’t come home through the years – it was in no way personal or anyone’s fault. I say that honestly. I really am sorry. And I never knew or even suspected that anyone in my family cared one way or the other about me.

The short 18 years I spent growing up in PA was more painful than pleasant for me. And that kept me away. That kept me from my own father’s funeral – who I loved dearly regardless of all the pain that separated us. I am sorry you that you were caught up in that – my own pain and inability to cope with that portion of my life. Because we are blood, it shouldn’t matter to either of us, and neither of us should let it stand between family.

I remain Jesse.